I woke up this morning singing Over the Rainbow. I kept repeating to myself the lyric, "And the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true". I will admit I am a dreamer. It's an oh so comfortable, limitless and pretty place to be. While most of us have fears, I carry one, that until now, I never thought I would eradicate. My fear of reality.
Being a child is one of life's invaluable experiences. When I think about it- I had no great responsibilities. I had certain tasks or rules- brush your teeth Maria, make your bed --or in my case not make my bed--set the table for dinner, clean your room--or in my case, again, not clean my room-- don't fight with your brother and always greet daddy with a hug when he gets home from work. But most of the time, I kept to my room--not cleaning--dreaming...dreaming about what I would be like when I grew up. "What am I going to wear to Windsor Castle when Prince William takes me to meet the Queen?" I would endlessly wonder about all the things I was going to do and the places I would go.
I am fast approaching 24 years of age--gasps--and I'm still dreaming. But for about the last four years I have had the "Omg! what am I going to do with my life?" attitude. [It's dangerous how sometimes a girl may allow a man to define herself and future so much that she loses all concept of who she is in Christ.] I hit a breaking point when I turned 20. I woke up one day and thought to myself, "Ok, I'm single and an adult. Now what?" I've been on a rough road ever since. I've lived half-way around the world. I've had two jobs. I've changed my major three times. I've recommitted my life to Christ, walked away, recommitted, rejected and then recommitted yet again. I've loved myself, hated myself, loved other people then hated them. I've been up and down and all around and over the mountain ten times. What has been my saving grace? What has brought stillness to my restless heart? Who has calmed my angry spirits and loved me despite my rejection? What has eradicated my fear? My relationship to God yes- but more specifically, His word.
Suddenly, I know what it's like to wander in a desert for a very long time--ok not 40 yrs, but close enough. I have been searching for what I didn't know...I've been aimlessly running towards nothing. I've put on many costumes and played many roles- hoping that I would find myself in one of them. I desperately wanted to know who I was and why I was here. Should I be a singer? Should I be a writer? Should I be a missionary? Will I forever be invisible? The hardest part about my road to redemption was comprehending the fact that I have nothing to do with defining myself--No matter how many shades of color I make my hair, how many different guys I date or how many times I change my facebook profile--God alone defines me. I know that every dream I have ever dreamt and every passion I have ever had has been molded into my heart by God. I don't have to "make" them come true. I have to dare to dream what God can do with my life. I have to see the possibility of how God can change the world through me--and when I can't do that I have faith in His word.
Three seemingly simple questions. Arriving at their answers? Extremely challenging!"Without a vision the people perish Prov. 29:18"The answer is vision:
Who do you see yourself as? Right now, I am a beautiful Organizational Leadership major at Robert Morris University. I'm concentrating in Non-profit Management and minoring in International Business.
Where do you see yourself going? I'm about to interview for a position with the YMCA to become a student member of their board- where I will shadow a mentor and gain vital information on how to run a non-profit and establish positive change within my community.
What are you going to do today? Spend time with God. Rescue my distraught bride's wedding shoes from the post office. Go to work. Then study for my last final of the semester.
Know who you are today. Let God take care of tomorrow~
<3 maria
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